I was thinking about something today, that I had noticed several times before. Meditation and this conscious awareness makes my perceptions sharper and wider. I see, feel and observe more about the world and about myself. I am getting more aware. This is good on one side, but on the other side I notice more tensions, frustrations, heavy feelings, bad habits in myself, that I have just never seen before. I just haven’t felt it, haven’t seen it, haven’t have any clue about it, therefore it hasn’t bothered me at all. I often feel that meditation brought me many new problems, instead of solving current ones. My life might be better with meditation, maybe I don’t even realize the ways it made my life better and easier. Maybe meditation will help me in the long run, by helping see and solve problems that I am just getting to know now, because they have been burried deep down inside me. I don’t know. But meditation surely makes my life more difficult sometimes with these new-found problems.
I’m having these panic attacks sometimes, and meditation seems to teach me things that can be useful in those dark moments. The only thing is that most of the time I get so overwhelmed and frightened during a panic attack, that I lose sight of what to do and how to handle the situation in a mindful way. It is really not easy, even if I know I am in the middle of a panic attack, and I won’t die or something. It is still very scary and difficult, and I am also very confused about the right attitude.
I think I just found something important in my meditation practice. Kabat-Zinn had a metaphor in his book, that I really liked but then I completely forgot about it. He said that meditation is like sitting out to the banks of the river of our thoughts for a while, instead of flowing with the river. Just watching and listening to the river and its constant flow, without letting it carry us away. Whatever happens inside the river, it is nothing more than a thought, not the absolute truth. When we feel something, it is not more than just a feeling. When we think something, it is not more than a thought, generated by our mind. And it really is possible to look at thoughts as mere thoughts, feelings as mere feelings, just watching them, accepting them just the way they are, and not letting them have too much power on us.
When I look back, it’s been a long and painful year. Now that the most painful point of my life – my relationship with my family – is solved and really wonderful in my consideration, and I’ve found a new view and way of life with discovering the work of Jon Kabat-Zinn, the two most important challenge in my life is to understand and love women better, and start an own venture. These are the things that I want the most now. I am trying to learn and grow, with all my strenght. To learn working and immersing myself in something, without losing balance, which I’ve lost a few times during the year. I can get so sucked in things that I am doing, that everything around me seems to cease, as if someone was controlled by some addiction, like drugs, gambling or video-games.
I have to develop myself quite a lot in order to be successful and reliably successful in the long run. But God can see my soul, I really work and try hard, very hard!
The long unwanted meeting just happened today. I talked with my father’s oncologist privately today morning, discussing the results of his latest CT scan. I asked a few really (to me) unpleasant questions, and I finally got some painfully straight and concrete answers, that I only assumed before. So let’s see those answers and facts.
I’ve had a wonderful week. The first full 5-workday week, since I came back from my holiday. The beginning of it was very difficult, because I felt that my tolerance-level was still very low. I struggled very hard through Tuesday, when I had to visit a new customer, where I was introduced as the new project manager. That day was very difficult for me. On Wednesday I went to work with the thought “just get over it” in my head. Then I realized, that the day is over, it went very well, I could accomplish quite a lot, and I am full of energy. Thursday evening I felt that I was so full of passion, that I have to slow down, not to get sucked in and overwhelmed by work again.
I don’t know where to start. With the facts maybe. Yesterday evening I played a 40-minutes-long soccer match in freezing cold. Then I came home with my girlfriend, and a few hours after the match I was doing the dishes, when my heart made a few consecutive strange palpitatations. I ran out into the bathroom to wash my dirty hands. By the time I got back to the room, I was already in sheer panic. I laid down on my bed and tried to calm myself. It seemed like it worked, but my palpitations continued, and didn’t seem to ever stop. I sat up on the bed, but my pulse rate was already around 120-150 per minute, and my heartbeat was really strange, shallow and irregular. I started trembling with fear. With fear of death. Then I jumped up, because I couldn’t just sit still, and started to walk up and down the apartment. I started feeling stiffness in my arms. This was the point when I told my girlfriend – who just stared at me frightened – to call an ambulance.